I am a sinner

I have hurt somebody who was very close to me. This happened in last 3 days. I can't share anything more as it is very very personal, but feeling very very guilty about everything. I never wanted to hurt the person, never ever in the wildest of my dreams but some things did not turn in favor of me and hence I was left with no choice. And frankly I never had a hint of the way things went which compelled me to speak some bitter truths at a wrong time and hurt somebody.

PEOPLE PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT ON THIS BLOG. AND PLEASE DO NOT EMPATHISE OR SYMPATHISE AS I DO NOT DESERVE ANY OF THEM.

Eeshwar ki khoj me

Wo hai jahan bhi tujhe dekh raha,
Kya paaya tune aur kitna hai saha,
Usse anjana kuchh bhi to nahi,
Ujaale me hai wo, wo hi hai sahi,
Uski marji ban jaye hamare karam,
Eeshwar se fir bhi kyun anjaan hain hum?

Karte hain kyun bhed, karte hain juda,
Kaun hai bhagwan aur kaun khuda?
Kyun dharm k naam hote hain dange,
Eeshwar ne kaha kya raho bhukhe nange?
Nalayak hain hum tabhi bant te hain gham,
Aur Eeshwar se aaj bhi anjaan hain hum.

Us din hoga hame sachcha gyaan,
Jab prem aur shanti batenge insaan.
Majhab par na hoga koi bhed bhav,
Hogi sad ichchha bhar jayenge ghav,
Yaad kar apne papon ko aankhen hongi nam,
Eeshwar se fir na honge anjaane hum.

Kis pal ka hai ab intejaar tujhe?
Charon taraf anginat lau hain bujhe,
Jis din ki hai khoj wo AAJ kyun nahi?
Failana jo hai shanti aur aman harkahin,
Shuru karke acchhhe karm, mitade har bharam
Eeshwar se fir na honge anjaane hum.

What is true love? What is love?????

People I am confused today. I went through many of my orkut communities and paid visit to the profiles of many of the members in these profiles and got even more confused. The confusion was regarding the four letter magic (magic or black magic????) called LOVE. No I am not someone who does not believe in love, I very much do believe in it but frankly I after having a "break up" nearly one and half years ago (with someone whom I loved so very much) and having experienced kind of crush/infatuation many a times and having passed nearly 36% of my life (I am 25 and expect to be alive till 70, the normal life expectancy in case all's well with me) I am somewhat confused with this particular term. To add further confusion I get variety of definitions from different people about LOVE!!!!!

Few days back I was talking to one of my close friends regarding the same topic. She got pretty confused in defining terms like infatuation, attraction and love. I got a very vague kind of answer: Boss, attraction is a very short term kinda thing while love is a long term kinda thing (thing??????????). Again more confusion!!!!!
A colleague of mine told me look brother [he is a guy, yippee!!! ;-)]love means when you feel very cosy cosy types, kind of possessive about a girl, you feel like she is your world (Whew!!!! more weird definitions!!!!). Another amazing definition: Love is nothing but a physical attraction getting converted into a mental attraction to such a limit that you feel you cannot live without that person (I seriously do not know how do people get such weird kind of definitions :-D).

All right, after enough band bajaoing of various definitions let me tell you how exactly the idea of love evolved in my mind. Well people you may find the content that I am going to write to be debatable. Fair enough, you all are free to comment the way you wish!!!!!

Before putting my thoughts I thought of putting the first two lines given in Wikipedia regarding Love: Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection[1] and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction.

Well, when I was in my teen like everybody other else whenever I used to think about love I used to imagine one of my classmates. She was a nice girl (I was a nice guy too, really). I used to be the first boy of the whole class, one of the tallest persons studying in class and belong from a noble family. Despite that I could never tell her about my feelings. By the time I realised it was a mere infatuation she had already left the school and I thanked God for not letting her know about the infatuation [There is a thin line of difference between Love and infatuation i.e. infatuation is not LOVE :-)]!!!! So all in all LOVE used to mean attraction for a girl to me when I was in my teens.
Then I grew up a little more. I got inspired by movies like Veer-Zaara and started believing in everlasting love for one girl. My idea got a big blow when my ex-girlfriend broke up with me for some classmate of her b school!!!!! Tough were initial days as my idea got a BIG blow and it was difficult to take any transition.
Then I grew up a little more and came to know about various priorities in life. I started understanding various aspects of life, roles of various people in our lives and our duties and roles towards various people in our lives. To cut a long story short, I WAS GROWING UP. And frankly telling you though I have grown up today (at least enough to differentiate between love, lust, infatuation and attraction) I can proudly say I DO NOT KNOW THE DEFINITION OF LOVE. :-)

But yes one thing I got to know. I know LOVE IS UNIVERSAL. It is not confined to only one particular relationship but is present several relationships. We get the lessons of love and kindness right from our childhood. Be it parental love or sibling love love is omnipresent and clearly has its presence beyond time. We grow up and start making friends. Some of them end up being very close ones so that we cry for each drop of tears they shed and laugh aloud for all the celebrations they celebrate. What is this? Again love. Now coming to two serious aspects of love: The first one is love for GOD and the other one is LOVE for your BETTER HALF.

1. Love for GOD: Recently in Delhi 6 I heard a poem in the baritone voice of Amitabh. The poem is like this:
Jarre jarre me usi ka noor hai,
Jhank khud me, wo na tujhse door hai,
Ishq hai usse to sabse ishq kar,
Is ibadat ka yahi dastoor hai,
Isme, usme aur usme hai wohi,
Yaar mera hartaraf bharpoor hai!!!
I seriously do not know how many people understood these lines. It tells about loving and respecting GOD [those who do not believe in GOD, please do not go through these as I know later you will tell this a crap and these lines will not even put the slightest impact in your thought process :-)]. I believe in every line of it. I do believe God is omnipresent, God is there in every one of us and if you love GOD love everyone (this love is called humanity, the greatest religion in this world). That's it no more explanations (samajhdaron k liye ishra kaafi hota hai :-D)

2. Love for BETTER HALF: First of all people the way we decide who is our better half is kind of weird. We talk to someone, most of the times get attracted by his/her physical appearance, sex appeal, machoism, chivalry, sense of humour and what not (surprisingly at times intelligence also, guys like me should also get some leverage ain't it :-D). We start talking more, start seeing them more often and end up proposing each other. After two years of togetherness we realise we were not made for each other and break ups do happen. At least to know a person even to the extent of fifty percent I believe couple of years are also not enough.

Love is an emotion. It is proportional to attachment. It takes time. True. And the biggest truth is nobody else can decide what will be right time to decide whether we love the person or not apart from ourselves. Shakespeare quoted once: LOVE IS NOT THE LOVE THAT ALTERS WITH ALTERATION. Very true. I realise this because I know we love different people for different reasons or different facets of their lives. Ideally we search some of the qualities in every person. But practically we never find all of them in everybody. So there are some qualities that have a top priority for us in liking a person and once we find some of those qualities (which have more priority for us) we start loving the person. We feel attached to the person. Hence love in relations is obvious (we are most similar to our parents, because we have inheritted most of our traits from them). Hence ideally a person must love his/her parents the most. Other relations also follow the same logic (those people whom we like or love).

But when we find some person special for us and start loving them, it is because the person has some of the traits which are among top most priorities for us. From there starts friendship and in due course we find a person who is the closest and is the most compatible person. And some fine day we belive we are in LOVE!!!!!

When I start thinking in this line I see no confusion in LOVE. For me the first thing is love is universal. It is like a circle what runs parallely with the circle of life. Love for parents, love for GOD, love for siblings, love of near and dear ones, love for friends are all bigger or smaller arcs in that circle based upon our prioritisation of various people. Love for better half is the arc that completes the circle. I know the idea is vague but this is somewhat in line with what I believe in. People who wish to differ and have a better opinion please do let me know. Would love to hear about this topic.

Now finally a few lines for the heartbroken ones. First and foremost thing start believing there are several people in this world who love you and are with you. The person who left you was known to you may be for max 3-4 years. Is that person so important in your life so that you can keep on ignoring the love of others and be sorrowful for that one relationship that did not last? I do not think that's a worthy thing to do. Love the people around you who love you and prioritise the priorities in your life. Life will be as beautiful as it can be. Trust me.

Last but not the least, as I told we love different people because of different reasons. Two people can never be similar but nobody ever told that you cannot love a second person for his/her qualities after being hurt from some other person. Stop searching love and love the people around you. And for GOD's sake never feel that break ups are end of life. There is every possibility that you can fall in love with some other person for some other qualities in him/her. One statement of caution: Be open to it if that happens and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NEVER COMPARE YOUR PRESENT WITH YOU PAST LOVE!!!!! Thats the worst thing to do and is the road to unhappiness and misunderstandings.
Comments awaited.

The lyrics of the first song composed by me

Heya, thought of posting another post this month but was not able to find out an appropriate topic on which I could write. So thought of scribbling down the first lyrics of a song that was composed by me. This is the first poetry I wrote and I guess it was back in 2000 ( I was 16 that time!!!). So if you find it weird or not so thoughtful (teenage madness you can say :D) I beg your pardon. ;-) Moreover little do I care as this one will always remain close to my heart. So here is how it goes:

Yaadein!!!

Yaadein bhulana mushkil hai,
Yaadein bahut aati hain,
Dil tak pahuchkar yeh yaadein,
Dil ko hi tadpati hai,
Wo chehra jise jana tha,
Kabhi jiska main deewana tha,
Wo mujhe har taraf najar aati hai,

Dil ka koi tukda hai kya, Chand mango to de dun,
Itna hai pyaar humko tumse, Jaan mango to de dun,
Sapne sare ab toot gaye hain,
Armaan saare bikhar gaye hain.

Dil ko behlana mushkil hai,
Aag si lag jati hai,
Kashti mohabbat ki doobi,
Nishani najar aati hai,
Wo chehra jise jaana tha,
Kabhi apna jise maine maana tha,
Wo to har taraf najar aati hai!!!!

I wish my school friends were here in this platform. They could have easily related why and for whom this poem was written. ;-)

For others let the mystery remain because with passing times people change, priorities change what remains is only those childish acts done in school life and bittersweet memories. People are free to believe that these lines were for my first crush. :-)
Hope people somehow like this piece of creation!!!!!

Eventfull Days?????

These days were day before yesterday and yesterday. Day before yesterday was the day I was returning back to workplace from Home. Mom's condition was not very well (she is a patient of chronic asthma) and I hated myself because I was returning (holidays over, last week crucial for projected numbers in my job) but really had no options of extending my holidays. Any ways with a heavy heart I boarded the train. Mom was crying till she was visible in the station. My eyes were kind of wet too but again people tell guys should not be emotional (damn them!!!!!) so I kind of controlled my tears. The worst part was my phone was also not working (I had exceed my credit limit and those rascals got my number disconnected without even feeling the urge to inform me about the same at least once!!!!!). So somehow amidst tears and some kind of trouble (phone not working is a big trouble I tell you) I had boarded the train. Anyhow I got my phone reconnected in another 3 hours (after 2 calls to customer care to state that I am on roaming and was not made aware about the issue that I had exceeded my credit limit, I threatened them as well to escalate things as I work in the same telecom company). I was able to talk to my mom from train and this was the biggest relief for me. Little did I knew more troubles are waiting for me!!!!!!

It was around 4 in the evening I gave a call to my friends with whom I stay in my workplace (they had left for Bangalore and were supposed to comeback yesterday morning around the same time of my arrival) and got a heart attack. Just read below how the conversation went:

Me: Hello PDP (one of my friends), yaar when are you all coming tomorrow?

PDP: Where are you calling from? Have you already reached?

Me: No yaar!!! I have boarded my train and will reach tomorrow morning around 7.30. What about you all?

PDP: Yaar we may not leave today, we had changed our plans. We will come on Wednesday morning.

Me (I do not have the keys of the room, there were 3 pairs of the keys and the other 3 of my friends who were in Bangalore had the keys)(Panic stricken): What????? Hey hey what about the keys of the room? Have you guys kept one set of the same with the houseowner?

PDP: No yaar, we have all the 3 sets of keys here with 3 of us. You somehow manage tomorrow. Anyways we will be back on Wednesday early morning.

Me (tensed and angered): Manage means? What the f**k you mean by that word? Tomorrow I have my office. I have to wear formals and all my formals are in the room. Even my formal shoe pairs are also in the room and you a**h*le what the hell do you mean by that word manage?PDP: Arrey, there was sudden change of plan what can we do? Any ways if you can not do anything then get down from the train and go back to your home for another couple of days. Then come back.

Me (bursting in anger): You bugger listen to me. Had I had and option of extending my holidays I would not have come back today leaving my ailing mother there back at home. (Then in a shaky voice) Please help me yaar, I need to get into the room and get my clothes and go to office. What can I do now?

PDP: You once talk to SD (another of my friends and roommates) and then transfering the cell to SD.

SD: Motu (my pet name from school, though I am not fat/obese anymore) do one thing yaar do not break the lock the hinge might break better cut the lock and enter the room. I hope you have a space lock to lock it back and go to office.

Me: Yes I will do that and I have a spare lock. By the way I am new to this room and you 3 were staying for more than 2 years now. Can you please give a call to house owner and tell him about the situation? I do not want to be doubted as a thief while cutting the lock.

SD: Yeah sure thing. Will do that. Don't take tension yaar. Else I have a few friends from my college. You go to their room and manage tomorrow.

Me (in a firm voice): SD I want to wear my own pair of trousers as well as shoes before leaving for the office. I won't mind cutting the lock but please do inform the houseowner and also sms me his number so that I can contact him and have him with me before performing the lock cutting act.

SD: Sure thing Motu. Will do that.

I was still restless because I knew how responsible they were. So I called one of my sisters staying in the same place in case nothing happens I can go to her house for a day. Finally yesterday my train arrived half an hour late. I got down and caught a bus to my destination. After reaching there I called the house owner and in his presence cut the lock of the rooms (In between he wasted sometime trying to be a Sherlok Holmes and interrogating me to confirm I do stay in his house). I freshened up and left for office in my own apparels. After all these hassles I finally reached my office (2 hours late though) and resumed my work.

I took a lesson from the entire happening. I bought a lock yesterday night and today when my friends came in the early morning, I handed over the lock as well as 2 keys to them. They enquired what about the third key and I firmly replied that I am going to keep it with me till the time I am here as I do not want to be put into the same situation again. To my goodluck there were no more questions from their side and the issue ended there itself!!!!!

* wrote this blog on Wednesday, 28th January 2009 at 11 am (the time in the posts always is wrong). I had boarded the train on Monday and reached yesterday i.e. Tuesday. Gave the time so that you can relate well while reading the post.

The best phase of my journey back home

Well sorry once again folks.....writing after so many days....these bugging office hours seem to extend too long these days.

By the way I am off to home now. Posting this blog from my home sweet home. Suddenly a thought came in my mind: What is the best phase in the entire journey. That too a place you love to visit (I love to spend time with parents at home). When I gave a serious thought I started differentiating the different phases one after one:

1. Planning: First and foremost you start planning to visit a place where you love to go. You think of a suitable time, match it up with your professional schedules and finally come up with some tentative dates where you can pay visit to your loved place.

2. Execution of Plan: What I mean from this term is you book your flight tickets/train tickets for the location. Again you do a small research for the best feasible options. Finally you book your tickets.

3. Waiting for the D day of journey: Well I do not know about people, but I start a countdown after booking my tickets (that too when I visit my home, meeting my parents as well as lots of friends over there makes me feel excited). This is one phase I love. The very feeling that with every passing day the D day is coming nearer makes me happy.

4. The D day of journey: Packing shaking, and then handing over the responsibilities over the office to my subordinates and then finally BOARDING THE TRAIN/FLIGHT. With every passing hour I come nearer to my home. Wonderful feeling altogether.

5. The entire stay: Don't know why but I really wonder that after I have reached how do these wonderful few days at home gets over. I try to live every minute per minute but still by the time I realise I was at home I find I have already boarded my return flight/train. I plan to spend my days in a planned way but it never happens. Being a responsible son (at least I feel that way, being the only son of retired parents) there is always so much to talk and so much to listen but still after every visit it seems some more time should have been welcome.

6. The return journey: Do not want to describe it at all. The very feeling of same office, same work yuk, it is depressing!!! It makes me sick. Also being a guy people tell me that I should not be so emotional about good memories and relations (what the hell!!! Did I ask them ever???) Any ways work is said to be my virtue these days so have to resume it. Neither do I think much nor do I get enough time because as soon as I land at my workplace after a refreshing holiday I am gifted by more and more work. What is left behind are good old everlasting memories and a few tearful moments for my mother [can't help it, all my preachings and requests have always gone in vain!!!, Moms are like that only :-(].

Now out of all these phases the phase I love the most is the inbound journey towards home. With every passing hour I get closer to my home, I am speechless to describe the feeling. I love the entire stay also but if you ask me the best moments definitely the journey will win an upper hand over the stay. I see people asking why so? Because once I am home the days get over like blinking of eyes and I find that after the end of 4th or 5th day I am packing my stuffs again for returning back to my workplace. I indeed love to spend time with parents and hence love to come to home with every possible chance.

Spending time with parents is also a good topic to discuss. I do not know how children in this era feel about staying back at home and spending sometime with parents. Frankly telling I love to do that. Yes there is a big generation gap as well as there are differences in opinion between me and my parents. Right from having girl friend to my fashionable outfits we differ everywhere. But still it is always a treat to spend time with them because they know pretty well that however differently we think but at the end I have inherited all their virtues and values. I do admit here that I have been a very bad son of my parents (during a phase in my past, have made them worry a lot) and now I try my best to make them happy with every action of mine that can make them happy. Differences in opinions will remain, it's only about the respect and love you have for parents that takes you closer to them. May be I am a little lucky because my parents have always been like friends to me (very strict though, else would have been a spoilt brat by now :-D). One more thing I want to tell you all: At the end the goal of your parents and yours is the same - You also want to see yourself happy and they also want the same, the means can be different though at times.

Any ways I think I got diverted from topic. The topic was the best phase in the entire journey to my home and I guess I have answered it. Comments awaited from all you friends. Let me see how people react to this post!!!!!

First blog in a new year!!!!

Oops!!!! It's been a long time haven't posted anything in my blogs. The office hours have been killing and the most pathetic for me during the last month. It consumed my energy, patience, creativity and most importantly lots of time. And the worst part is another hectic month has come where there are more numbers and more pressure.

Any ways people WISHING YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!!!! May this new year pave the way for new opportunities for all, bring lots of good surprises in every ones life, help people succeed in their respective jobs to the limit they deserve. Let this new year bring peace across the world so that it becomes a better place to live in, may we get love from all our "LOVED" and "TRUSTED" ones. Let people be patient and tolerant where it needs to be and may people raise their voices against all the menaces, TERRORISM being above all of them. May the economic crisis that has hit across the Globe gets better with every passing year. There are two words in Hindi which I think we all should pray for this new year, they are: SADBUDDHI & SADBHAVNA.

Finally let all the dreams be fulfilled, we all are empowered with courage and passion to stand for all good deeds and stand against all bad things in this world.

Let us all make this world a better place to live in!!!!!