My life and words unsaid to all - Season 2 and final sesason

I met her. She met me. I tried to be happy. She also tried to be happy. I tried to behave normally. But she could not do that. With every passing moment I felt like neglected, deserted. The more I was with her this feeling went on creeping inside me giving me a chilled spine. The emptiness inside my heart was killing me like anything and I was just so helpless!

This is the synopsis of what happened in a meeting of one and half hour in the mall. I had just met SP in Forum and was beaming with happiness, the happiness of meeting someone you wanted to meet for so many days, whom you have not seen for more than 3 years and the happiness to find she is the same pretty girl with such gleeful and glib talking as she was 3 years ago when I met her in IMS (though the interaction with SP was very less during those days). I went to Oasis thinking that I won’t behave anything different from the way I used to be when I was just a friend of SA and did that too. The initial half an hour was so good with all that general talks and then as the conversation went to greater heights and shifted to those softer and “never discussed properly” kind of topics the situation worsened. SA started behaving as if she is not able to hear my questions (read indifferent) and suddenly there was some sort of health problem which happened to her because of which we was not feeling well (this problem happened after I drifted the topic from general stuffs). Never did she ever speak the bitter truths and discuss her problems with me frankly during our days of togetherness nor did she do that this time also. She always gifted me with a sense of guilt even for those mistakes I had never committed and she maintained that yesterday. So there I was so right in telling her that: She has not changed.

The discovery of the fact that whatever we talk and whatever we do is informed to MKP with such swiftness and agility made me numb. Gosh I could not believe that she even informed him that I had reached Oasis mall before coming to meet me and was providing him with a live commentary from time to time.

So what did I get after meeting her? A heavy heart, wet and tearful eyes and a bad mood is what I could gather after meeting her yesterday. But yes there was one thing that I realized for which I wanted to thank her. It is like this:

My heart was once broken. I SUCCUMBED yet SURVIVED. I put a lot of effort to gather back my courage, hope, optimism, confidence and made my way through those worse days of my life at TAPMI in second year. And all these I did alone with some precious help from my dearest pals: Dentist, Stun the Sun and Jalim and yes last but definitely not the least a special friend whom I met during February. I LEARNT what it means to move ahead and even thought of finding a girl who will be always with me and I will be hers forever with a hope that everything will go RIGHT this time.

But yesterday I realized that for once I survived the blow and the pain of being neglected and deserted but if any day again history repeats I won’t be able to put that much effort for my survival. Precisely it will be very difficult for me to be my normal self if again a girl makes me feel neglected or deserted because this Zorroan does not have that much courage to face life after another betrayal or a harsh NO from any other girl.

It feels like Love is CRAP and I would love to thank SA for that. I feel like that today as the lady you love does not tell a yes and the ladies who love you are not able to hear a yes from you. At the end it just becomes a Vicious Circle. Would like to get some comments on the aforesaid statement.

Diplomats and shrewdness - a deadly combination

They tried their level best to convince me that I had so many things that are needed to be improved in life. They used me for bridging their own differences and coming closer. These b**tards never even gave a thought to the poor R who was heartbroken and wanted to make up everything even for those mistakes that were never done by him. What meant to them is their togetherness and their ability to convince each other in a silent way that they need each other and support each other.

When matters come to diplomacy I too sometimes behave as a diplomat but my diplomacy never harms any one. They tell I talk a lot about me, every topic is centered around me only. I tell them common man tell me something new, something fresh that I don't know about myself. I know how I am and whatever I have done in my life I am proud of it. How much do these asses know about me to comment on the things I need to change and the things I need to learn. Among the two one deceives guys and gets her work done as done with R and the other, "the jackass" thinks he is the biggest diplomat in this world and people are not so clever as he is. In between that they forget just one thing we also possess a little amount of brain.

Well whatever I told to D I never regret. She is a b***h and she deserved that. The only thing I regret is that everyday my mother preaches me to be a better human being at the end of that day. By shouting at a woman (if I can call that b***h a woman) I only showed the bad side of a male dominated society and when I myself don't believe in that I should not have shouted. Apart from that I firmly believe she deserved this because the way she always talked to me. It is told that: "Give and take respect". Only if you cannot give respect you should not even expect either of getting some respect from people.

There is a fine line of difference between these two buggers and myself. Well they keep on telling others how bad people are about those who mean no business for them. But even if I stopped respecting AV from the day he showed his meanness and bias towards D I never showed him openly. But friday night was just the limit I could have tolerated such response from that b***h.

At the end of the day I have not lost anything but gained some better friends at the expense of some useless diplomats. These people can never be anyone's friend as they are always driven by their own interests, money and opportunity. I know several instances where AV actually tried to trick me out using such diplomatic strategies but finally he failed. I would have killed him had he told anything more about my upbringing or hinted any more about my parents. Its good for him that he stopped right there. Any ways I think they don't deserve so much place in my precious blog so better stop this topic RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. After all this was destined to happen as the respectometer (my self coined term for understanding how much you respect people) read zero for them. And with passing time the needle of respectometer will only show negative scores for such filthy animals.

Monsoon Wedding - Better late than never!!!

Yes yes hold on. I remember something significant done this week. I watch the movie Monsoon Wedding. I know I am late but still could not resist myself from giving a praise to the movie and Mira Nair for making such a splendid movie. Naseeruddin Shah was impeccable, so was Lilette Dube and Shefali Shah. Surprisingly I never knew that Randeep Huda has done any movie before appearing in RGV’s D. I liked Neha Dubey. She was hot and suited well to her role. The main leads (if they can be called as its their marriage in the movie) Vasundhara Das and Parveen Dabas were also good. Overall a splendid movie and worth watching it. Guess ToI should have given a 5 star rating to this movie.

Good movies make me happy. People also don’t miss Saransh and Ek doctor ki Maut. Folks who only watch masala movies stay away as I really won’t like hearing some filthy abuses from your mouth after you have watched it!!!!

Wrote this blog just for the sake of writing!!!!!

People around me keep telling me that I should fall in love with somebody. They keep on telling me it’s high time to fall in love but they don’t understand my dilemma. The dilemma is:

I have girls who are after me but I am not after them. I have girls who are not after me but I am after them. Among these two categories of girls there is one special girl whom I have started liking and have written that in the blog named: Another Confession. People please hold on your nerves and be patient. Once there is any good news regarding love with this lass I will definitely let you all know. After all I am not in a competition with my ex-girlfriend right? :D :D

There is nothing new to write here. One week has passed and noting significant has happened in life. Yep in the mean while I came to know that SD madam’s beti miss DS is no more single. She got committed long back but revealed to me only a few days ago as she was feeling guilty as she has never hid any matter from me. Lollllzzzzzzzz

Well I think I should stop writing as I really don’t want to low the standards of my blogs with insignificant words that are of little influence in my life. People hope some good writing from me in my next blog (probably tomorrow).

Life, theatre, roles, responsibilites and all

Jindagi k is theatre me dekho chal rahi hai ek movie
Background music bhi hai ye mast thoda sa soft thoda groovy
Har shaksh paiadish k baad se har part apna hai nibha raha
Kiya gaya hai tay uska manjil andha wo chalta hi ja raha
Khamoshi hai sanson me aur dekho dhadkan bhi stabdh hain
Peele peele hothon me khile bol bhi kuchh nishabd hain
Lemme complete this poem dude varna cue kahin kho jayega
Dimag me chal rahi jo halchal kahin aur ghum ho jayega
Kyun rehte hain khamosh sada fir bhi yeh kitna kehte hain
Hothon pe lekar hasi ye log kyun julm ko sehte rehte hain
Kho gayi hai wo aawaj kahin jise subhash ne kabhi lalkara tha,
Hindustan me jeeta ek sikandar par jeetkar bhi wo hara tha
Pareshan hain with trivial matters n change ur country ki mang hai,
Chhote gadhdhon se darne wale lagana chahte uncha chhalang hain,
Kuchh kar dikhane ki chah hai bas aur chah hi wo reh jate hai,
Dimag aur dil k cross connection me himmat juta nahi pate hain,
Kisi aur ko kyun ho dekh rahe tum bhi culprits me shamil ho,
Jhanko khudme, analyse karo, ehsas karo khudke dil ko,
Ambitions, dreams n realty me kyun khud hi confuse ho jate ho?
Dinbhar to sochte rehte ho boss itna time kahan se pate ho?
Dete rehte sabko suggestion khud bhi kabhi to amal karo,
Dusron ko darane ki soch rahe, khud bhi to kabhi khud se hi daro,
What am I doing right now n why am I just doing it?
Just give a thought to lines above n let ur ignited minds be lit,
Kuchh naya karo, kuchh bhala karo apne roles ab khud hi likho,
Badlo kismat ki lakeeron ko, socho tum kam, karna seekho.
Jeevan k theatre me chalte hue movie ki disha ko badlo tum,
Don’t let your ideas go dull, pehchan kabhi hone na do ghum.

Another Confession!!!!!!

During the mid of February I met a girl online courtesy one of my best friends named Dentist and started chatting with her. She was kinda different from other stereotyped girls and these different lasses do make me interested in making friends with them. In the first conversations the first impression was that she is quite a feminist who thinks guys are silly and dumb. But after 5 months of togetherness with her, the first impression took a U turn and changed totally. This lass is one of the sweetest and best I have ever met. God has given everything in proportion to her. She is intelligent, caring, loving, friendly, humorous, understanding, good looking [photographs may be deceptive though ;-)]. She is one of the reasons for which I love orkutting as she is one of those better gifts Orkut has given to me. The best thing about her is her being a Gundi (to the true sense of term) and the freshness and positivism she carries with her. She is creative and her creativity can be witnessed through the brilliant paintings I saw and her ability of write poems. Now there are some qualities that can be modified like: she is short tempered like me, a bit careless and adventurous mostly when she is with her Scooty. There are some dissimilarities among various similarities that we share. Well probably because of this only some one has told: Variety is the spice of life!!

Why am I writing about her today in blog? Well really don’t know myself. But its worth knowing her I must say. A few are there with whom I feel comfortable talking to and she is one of them apart from Dentist, Jalim, Mr. Stun the Sun, Miss Pizza Hut and here in workplace my brother Ghatotkach. These people are real gems I have in life as friends and will be forever (I hope so).

Do I like her? Yes I do like her very much for all her qualities. I haven’t met her yet but would love to meet her soon. But as I have learnt in life take time to love people and make sure they are worth your love and you are theirs. So if anyone asks Do I love her? Probably there is some more time to be spent with her before answering this question. Who is she? Ahem Ahem, I guess if dentist reads this blog he will come to know but for other she is mystery, she is an illusion whom I don’t want to chase as I fear the more I chase the farther she might go!!!!! This is just a simple confession and let it be as simple as it can!!!!!

A confession!!!!

Monday was quite eventful as I got “less” salary that day and moreover lots of conflict with parents over my life insurance. Some days are meant to be clumsy and probably Monday was one of those days. Why I felt guilty was because I realized somewhere I hurt my parents again by those harsh words however less it were in those moments of excitement and tension when I realized that my dad had committed a blunder with the policy. I regretted a lot and called my dad at night. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Hi Dad! You are awake still now. It’s nearly 11.30 pm
Dad: Yup kiddo I was about to sleep and you called me up.
Me: Dad what about mom? I guess she has slept already.
Dad: Yup she was not keeping well since evening. So slept quite early today.
Me: And she was not keeping well because of my phone call isn’t it? Why don’t you complete the sentence dad?
Dad: Nope beta! You know na she gets a little bit serious at times (my mother has chronic asthma by the way). Today evening onwards she had some breathing problems. Because of that she had her medicine and slept early. Don’t take it on you.
Me: For how many years will you shield the mistakes and the misbehaviors I have done at times with you people? I made you people sad by today’s reaction. Mom must have pondered on that incident for long and must have started suffering from hypertension. I know Dad I am the culprit and I really don’t want to hide from it.
Dad: Beta don’t think like that. Relax and go to sleep its all fine. Nothing serious. Your mother will be alright tomorrow morning.
Me: You people are God for me dad. In fact more than God as the Almighty also stops forgiving after a certain instance. But you people keep on forgiving your worthless son ever and ever. I am not able to react to your words dad. Any ways feeling quite a bit lighter at heart after talking to you. I wish I could talk to mom now. Chalo going to sleep. Good night.
Dad: Good night beta. Just relax and go to sleep. Everything is fine here. Don’t forget to take your glucose water tomorrow morning (My dad keeps on reminding me everyday and I keep on forgetting every other tomorrow).

I could not sleep even after talking to my dad. The pain of misbehaving and overreacting was eating me like anything. I reminded of my words I told to mom during evening. This is what I had told:

Mom you know Dad has committed a mistake while making a policy for me. The amount that he has agreed upon is just too much for me (later I realized it was not and I can pay that premium with ease). Tell him to cancel the cheque. That bugger (the agent) might be known to you people for ages but what am I interested in him is purely business and I just can’t stand that he convinced you people to go for that plan despite I saying no to it. My mood is pretty screwed up today because of that salary issue. Please correct this blunder at least otherwise if I take up the matters in my own hand things will get worse. (This is more or less the summary of what I had told to my mother).

I was drenched with sweat completely. It was 00.35 and I was wide awake. I felt the urgency of calling my father once again and talk to him. At 00.40 hours I give him a call and surprisingly he picks it up. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Dad!!!! You are still awake? Is it anything serious?
Dad: No son! Your grandmother called few moments ago. So both of us are wide awake. Do you want to talk to your mother?
Me: Yes, very much so. Give the phone to mom.
(Mom picks up the cell and starts talking to me)
Mom: Haan beta tell. Why have you not slept till now? You have office tomorrow I suppose.
Me: Mom how can I sleep without my parents sleeping peacefully. I have troubled you a lot today evening. I don’t know why but at this point of time I am feeling sorry for that agent also. I think I misbehaved with him also over the phone (I was getting emotional).
Mom: No beta he told that you were talking quite maturely and you are too good in probing.
Me: That’s fine mom but somehow I have hurt you people right? Mom I know at the end of the day you people are also working for the same goal that I am working: i.e. I should have a better and happy future. You ask father to tell that person to keep the same policy and there is no need to change it. Just the thing that you people be happy and live peacefully. I know whatever you people have thought for me is good. No more probing about anything. I prefer to go for the policy for which dad has already paid the money. Please forgive me for my misbehavior during evening. I was a bit tensed because of so many things happening around me at that moment.
Mom (in a sad tone): Beta its nice to see that you have realized. Yes beta the way you told me that if you take matters in your hands things could be worse, really scared me. I felt bad and thought is it the same kid whom I have always taught to speak good things and do good works throughout his life.
Me: I am extremely sorry mom. I really never meant anything bad. Its because of your preaching I can never be bad though I am surrounded by so many chameleons around here.

I really don’t know whether I did good or bad at the end of the day. But there are something that are more important to me that earning profits and making meaningful investment. They are my parents and I can do anything for them!!!